


drowning

by mssjynx



Category: Gay baby gang
Genre: Depression, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-07-27 20:25:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16226693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mssjynx/pseuds/mssjynx
Summary: john is drowning and toby will do all he can to see him smile again.





	drowning

**Author's Note:**

> just a short fluff for a friend of mine who wanted some john appreciation xx

John fell back on his bed, tugging the earphones out of his ears and lifting his hands to rub his eyes. Heavy feeling in his head, heavy feeling in his chest; he was too tired to keep pretending it wasn’t there.

A soft tone beeped from his phone and he grunted, rolling onto his front.

 **21:32 | Toby:** u left really sudden, are you okay?

He sighed, sad smile on his lips. Toby was a good friend. A really good friend; he always had been. More observant than anyone else, more caring, more kind. Of course, he would check up on John.

But John couldn’t do that to him.

 **21:35 | John:** yeh im good

 **21:35 | Toby:** …

 **21:35 | Toby:** are u lying

 **21:36 | John:** probably not?

The chat screen faded in replace of an incoming call, a dorky photo of Toby covering John’s screen. For a few moments, John just stared. His thumb hovered over the green button but his thoughts were heavy and persuasive.

He didn’t want to drag Toby into this, it wasn’t fair. The younger man had better things to do.

He cursed himself when he tapped the green button, closing his eyes and putting the call on speaker.

“Toby, seriously- I’m fine.” He didn’t want to let himself enjoy this. He always took advantage of his friends’ kindness and all he did in return was spoil moods and act dumb. He had to be better than that, he had to turn Toby away and deal with this himself.

Toby released a sigh. “You really don’t have to bullshit me, John. I get it.” Words that filled John’s chest with warmth, with reassurance, with kindness he didn’t believe he deserved. “I can tell when you shut down and no one else is here for you, I know you’re alone; I want to be here for you if you’ll let me.”

It sounded almost as though Toby was holding his breath, crossing his fingers and hoping for the response he desired. John kept his face in his pillow, wondering how long he could hold his breath until he passed out.

“You don’t have to be here with me. Aren’t the others still playing?” A quick change of the subject, maybe not so smoothly as John normally can but still swift.

Toby wasn’t being fooled. “I don’t _have_ to be here and I don’t have to play with the guys. I _want_ to be here and I wanna make sure you’re okay.”

 “Toby, I…” John exhaled heavily. “I don’t want you to have to deal with this. I’m okay, I just need some time to myself.” Clear words, words he wanted to say. Why was his voice shaking?

A small silence followed, John running his fingers through his hair and yanking harshly in his frustration. “Do you want me to leave you alone?” Unreadable.

John bit his lip. “It- It’s not about what I _want_ , it’s about what’s best for you.” Each word was strained, half of him bent on begging Toby to go and the other half wishing to plead him to stay.

“It’s not about me though, it’s about you. What is best for you? What will help you?”

He squeezed his eyes shut, clenched fists as he fought a battle he had long since grown used to. It never got easier. It never got less painful.  “Toby, plea-”

“John.” He waited. “What do you want?”

He released. Let his fingers relax, his eyelids rest, his breathing slow. “You,” he murmured, muffled into his pillow. He gave in. “I want you… to- to stay.”

Stupid, stupid, stupid. He was toxic. He didn’t deserve Toby to stay, he didn’t deserve the care- But the way Toby spoke around his smile, the pleased tone accompanying each word; he only ever wanted to make Toby smile. He only ever wanted to make him happy.

“Do you want to talk? I can just listen if you like. And you can rant and vent all you like; I feel like you need that right now.” Open, kind, honest.

John rolled onto his back. “I… just can’t get past it. I can’t get over this feeling and no matter how long I feel good for, it always comes back, y’know? Inevitably, I will be back here feeling like shit and hating it and I don’t know how to get out for good.” He felt as though his chest was about to burst, about to explode as the weight inside him gained and gained. He felt too heavy for the bed, too heavy for the floor. “I’m so fucking sick of it and nothing is more frustrating than this. It gets in the way of everything: work, sleep, you guys- I hate leaving mid-call because I feel like I’m suffocating.”

He dragged his bottom lip between his teeth, head back and eyes staring up into the darkness. Toby was silent on the other side, listening closely and giving John all the time he needed. He could sense that there was more to be said, more words that John had had locked up beneath his tongue for as long as he had been hiding it.

“It’s like I’m drowning, except I won’t fucking die.”

A heavy sigh. Silence.

“Have you tried talking to someone who knows about all this?” Toby’s voice wasn’t timid, but it held a tone of caution. A tone of care. He wanted to help, John knew. He wanted to do something.

John hummed gently. “I’ve had therapists; they don’t do shit.”

“How about medication?”

An unexpected suggestion. John shrugged still, before remembering his partner wasn’t able to see that. “Never thought about it. Don’t think I need it.”

“I think you might.”

“Oh.”

He blinked in surprise, taking the thought into consideration for longer than half a moment. Medication? Anti-Ds? They had never even crossed his mind. He didn’t think he was bad enough to need them, he never had been. But Toby did?

“And”—The Kiwi continued without giving John too much time to think about it—“I just booked a flight and I’ll be up there in three days. I hope you like company because I’m inviting myself over so I can take care of you when you feel like you can’t, and I’ll help you with this whole medication shit, okay?”

John stammered, struggling to swallow his shock. “Toby, you don’t have to-”

“I want to,” he interrupted, more serious than John had heard him speak about anything. “And I’m going to. So wash the dishes and do your laundry and make up the spare room for me for the next month or two, got it?”

John grinned, excitement building at the thought of spending so much time with Toby. He was unlike a number of their friends, the two getting along in a different way. Their humour intertwined perfectly, their chemistry was obvious: John loved every game session that included the Kiwi so having the man over at his house for such a long time? He couldn’t hold back his smile: maybe the coming weeks wouldn’t be so bad if he wasn’t alone…

“Aw, spare bedroom? That’s no fun, dude; I was lookin’ forward to cuddling!” he whined, putting on a voice just to hear the other’s laugh. He got what he wanted, soaking up the pretty sound.

“Fine, we can cuddle if you want.” Those smiling words.

John covered his face with his hands. “Thank you, Toby.” Voice serious again. “Really. For calling me and talking to me… And for booking a fucking plane ticket here- I- I don’t see why you’re doing this but thank you.”

“I’m doing it because I love you, John. Because I care about you and it sucks knowing that you’re struggling. It’s not enough for me to be here for you when I’m all the way on the other side of the planet so let me be there for you right beside you.”

Grinning against the palms of his hands he nodded to himself. “Okay,” he murmured. “Okay, you can be here for me.”

“Good. Thank you. Now Fitz won’t stop calling me so I’ll talk to you when you’re up, okay? Get a good sleep.”

“Okay.” Smiling. Warmth. Joy. Love. “And Toby?” A hum of acknowledgement. “I love you too.”

Grinning words. “Goodnight, John.”

“Goodnight, Toby.”


End file.
